May 4, 2011; Loneliness

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May 4, 2011; Loneliness

Post  Chanely on Wed May 04, 2011 12:40 am

So, I've realized one of my most biggest fears is being alone. Even just spending a night at home, even when grandma is here (but asleep), along with fong yee, I feel pretty poo ish. I hate being alone, it's so... boring; and for some reason, I make myself wait for them, because I don't like going to sleep when they're not home. When Ron or mom come back, I immediately get happier inside. Am I that dependent?

This makes me think, what am I going to do when I live alone? How am I going to handle it, added onto all the stress I'll have in university? And the fact that I feel alone even when grandma is home makes me feel horrible, because that shows I don't actually consider her as important as Ron or mom. It's true. Once again, I feel bad, because she stays at home every single day so I won't be alone, yet I still feel like it. And I never go downstairs to talk with her either.

Why am I afraid of being alone? Probably because since birth, I had so much attention. I guess the Trac family felt bad for me because my parents were divorced. They gave me all the love in the world, and I loved it as well. Growing up, I now feel neglected by my family and as if I'm constantly judged, ever since that one time on the cruise when I was being slow cause I was lazy and bleh. They all called me slow, and tried to criticize me for the best. But I took it to heart, and eventually the family kept on telling my dad and my sister. The thing that hurt the most was knowing that I was pretty slow. I always say I have low self esteem and confidence, but I realized that I do have quite alot of pride, because the fact that they, who used to love me as a child, now looked down on me and thought I was slow and stupid. And I freaking hate it when people do that. I am not stupid, you don't know how hard I try. That just shows I do have pride.

Well anyways, back to the topic... I guess I rely on mom and my brother too much, the ones who are closest to me and I know will love me no matter what. I need to be more independent, less soft. Less longing for attention and love. You are lucky, Chanel, and so many people love you. Realize that.

Well, guess I'll be staying up late another night.

Posts : 92
Join date : 2011-01-20
Age : 20
Location : In your closet.

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