[2011.09.14] I make people unhappy.

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[2011.09.14] I make people unhappy.

Post  DianaLu on Wed Sep 14, 2011 11:47 pm

Mother told me the other day thatshe was sorry she encouraged me to audition for the showcase worldwide thing. She said she was sorry. Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like my mother is sorry she helped me reach my dreams and she's sorry she let me think that I could do it.

It hurt. It really did.

But then she went on. She told me that I made people unhappy. She said that she worries about my future.

That just nearly broke me.

But she's right, isn't she? I'm so selfish and I'm so spoiled that I want everything my way because it makes my life more convenient. I don't think about the trouble I'm causing and the stress other people have when trying to deal with me. I'm difficult to work with because my needs are so demanding. She was right. I do make people in happy.

It's not like I try. It's just that society these days has an invisible pressure on me. Its subconcious. But it's there. No matter what I tell myself, I will still follow the ways of modern society. And so I want things the way that other people would perceive as normal. And that's what I've wanted for so long, isn't it? For me to be normal? I just want to fit in, because for so long I've been standing out. It's not even the good kind of standing out, too. But I just want all my things and eveythibg I do to be normal. But my odd family doesn't understand that.

I just want things to be particular. I like new, unruffled things. It has to be perfect, otherwise it doesn't fit my standards. Is it so wrong to like new things? I hate hand me down things. I hate borrowig, I hate sharing, I hate use thrift shops. But y family can't afford to pay for all my needs, so I just have to settle. Over the years, I will admit that I have become less selfish. I am willing to use old things. But everything else still applies.

You see. Because I am so picky, so particular, so needy, greedy, selfish and inconsiderate, I make people unhappy. But the second I try to make other's happy, I become unhappy. So it's either my happiness or theirs. And I'm selfish, remember?

But what does it really matter. I'm unhappy either way, aren't I?
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DianaLu
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