Jan. 25th, 2011: You'll be in my heart, always.

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Jan. 25th, 2011: You'll be in my heart, always.

Post  Chanely on Wed Jan 25, 2012 7:46 pm

Weak. I feel weak. I am weak.

There are those people out there that we all secretly admire, who may not have the best looks or smarts; but they are so amazingly strong. They smile for others even when they are sad, and they are willing to sacrifice something to make others happy. Unfortunately, I am not that kind of person and I will probably never be.
There are so many people in my life that love me so much and treat me so kindly, but I don't deserve it. I don't even know why I have all this love. I appreciate it all so much, and I feel bad because half the time I never even return the sentimental things they do for me. I do love all those people, but I just never manage to show it either because I'm afraid, or I just feel not genuine doing it. Jen has sacrificed so much for me, and shared her own family with me while my family hates her and looks down on her. Her family even gives me a bunch of lucky money, her grandparents bought me a hat from china, her aunt gave me an adorable disney umbrella from hong kong, her aunts invite me to family events and ask how I'm feeling when I am injured. All these little things I do notice and appreciate so dearly, but I never managed to return them. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to make my mom's side accept you, Jen, and I honestly don't know if they ever will. When my mom speaks about the past regarding my stepmom, they seem like horrible people that should be disliked. But then I look at the auntie (stepmom) I know, the half sister I know, their family I know, and their image is so far away from whatever my mom says. I understand my mom's position, but at the same time I see how nicely they treat me. It's very difficult having 3 families, you know.

I've been crying so much lately, and I vent my feelings to Diana, though she does try to make me feel better, you can't really help someone solve their issues. She says I'm a teenage hormonal girl, which is very correct and does make me feel better, more normal. But I still feel more emotional than average, and I just feel weak. People have these beautiful qualities that make them unique and strong, but when I look at myself, I actually cannot find a single of these qualities.

Another different point, my mind is so complicated. I don't say much, but when there's an event or when someone says something to me, my brain produces a thousand thoughts reflecting on it. For example today, some kid named Matthew was like lol chanel you look like Bernie. I wore blue pants today and a black sweater and a white shirt, my pants were strange but I like them quirky that way. Today i was also tired so I just plopped on my sweater. I didn't really care until he said that to me. I thought it was pretty funny and tried to take it lightly. But subconsciously, my mind was all like do my pants really look that weird? i really don't know how to match colours, do i? But today we're supposed to wear blue to symbolize harmony! I liked these pants alot. I dun look like Bernie. But actually I kinda do, because he has those funky bluish pants and shoes. Then I feel weak because my new year's resolution was to not be self-conscious. There goes that..

Then, about today's dinner. I felt extremely happy when Jen's aunt invited me that day. But now I just feel uncomfortable. I'm not going to talk about this much anymore becuase I already ranted to my mom and Diana, but a million thoughts came up in my mind for the whole day too.

And just now when I read DIana's post about her being alone on Christmas... I just feel bad. It's so difficult having to go to each families' event, to return the love and accompanying those who love me. I know I am just whining; but I feel so terrible for not being able to spend the whole christmas with her. I feel so bad every single time she tells me about her things and I just ask her about my homework. I feel so bad when she comes down and half the time I have to spend time with my dad. I feel so bad when we get excited and start playing/writing, like on crossmyheart, then I just stop doing it because I fail at being commited. I feel so bad when she talks to me and I just don't reply for like 20 minutes. I feel so bad that every time she needs me, I'm never there. But I just pay attention to her when I need her, and I take her for granted.

I just wish I could show all these people I love them so much. They say if you love someone, you show it through your actions, not words. And here I am going on about my loved ones, but I feel like I've never managed to make them feel that. I just wish I could express myself genuinely, without having to feel fake/clingy/too cheesy. Once again, a million thoughts in my mind.

Happy late Chinese New Year, btw.
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Chanely
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Join date : 2011-01-20
Age : 20
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