May 22nd, 2012: Mother

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May 22nd, 2012: Mother

Post  Chanely on Tue May 22, 2012 12:23 am

Mom, I do admit that I take you for granted alot. You always make your way for me, even when I leave you to be with dad, you don't mention that you'll be lonely. You always think about my perspective and let me yell at you because you know I'm cranky and stressed. But at the end of the day, I know that I can't live without you and that I rely on you so much. Do you know how lonely home is without you here? This entire day at the big dinner banquet thing at the restaurant dad sold, I was hoping to come home so I could practice my summative, talk with you, then go to sleep. But instead, I return home to see only grandma. I am already a bit saddened to see that all the lights you can see from outside are turned off, but then I come home without you here. What's even worse, i call you and you're doing the same thing again. How many fucking times has this occurred? I call you, ask you to come home, you're playing mahjong. i am so fucking sick of those mahjong tile sounds. I am actually going to go insane from them.
And i realized something that is very obvious: you play mahjong because you are lonely. And I feel terrible that I can't be there for you when you are lonely. But it's hard, you know? I mean, I only spend the weekend with dad, but then the entire weekday I'm actually doing my work and not being with you. What do you want me to do? I need to focus on school...on everything... you two are tugging me apart and I don't know which way to go. I actually feel like sometimes I'm living to please both of you at the same time. But obviously that's impossible, unless I cut myself in half and just devote each half to both of you.
As your daughter, I want you to happy and I know I'm a terrible daughter sometimes. But do you really have to go on playing this fucking stupid games? You know how angry and tired I am of it, yet you still go on saying "just let me have my freedom, you only want me here when you come back." of course i do. and the stupidest thing is when I call dad, hoping to talk with him while he's busing home (since we didn't have enough space in the car), then have Jen pick up and be like sorry dad will call you back we're watching OKC play the lakers in basketball. It's just sad to compare their family, imagine jen, dad, and her mom, all watching TV together, spending family time together, having fun. Yet in this house? it's lonely, always silent. Ron is not here, and even if he were he'd probably be out. You are gambling, grandma is sleeping. And I always feel terrible for grandmother, she is always the loneliest one yet she doesn't say anything. I ask her why doesn't she yell at you for playing mahjong, then she says that she has but you don't listen. Then i ask her when she ever sad that because I've never heard her say it. She doesn't reply, acts like she doesn't know anything. And I think it's all just so ridiculous that I say she's ridiculous in anger and run into your room in tears.
Honestly, I don't know why I"m so dependent on you. I look at people like Samantha, who doesn't really care if they're home or not. But then again, her mom is always at home, so maybe I'd want the same thing if my mom was like that. But now that I think about it, Ron doesn't seem like he cares. How can he deal with all this and more? I just can't bear with it. I want to have a full, complete family. I can barely ever sleep until my mother comes home, and I'm 14 already, almost turning 15. In 3 years i'll be going to university..oh lord. I just want you to be happy, but be here with me. Please.
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Chanely
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