[2013.10.27] Bitter.

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[2013.10.27] Bitter.

Post  DianaLu on Sat Feb 22, 2014 7:35 am

You know what?

I'm bitter about being here. Being in Toronto.

You know what I could be doing instead? Friday, I could have gone to a party with Brad, I could have gotten myself invited. Saturday, I could have hung out with my friends, I could have partied with Andrew, I could have gone to the haunted house with Aaron. Sunday, I could have gone to kung fu with the London class. Monday, I could have gone to class, could have seen Anthony in psych, handed in my term paper the same time as everybody else and gotten a potential 100 due to the new knowledge about the paper that I was unaware of when I first wrote it and handed it in.

But no, instead, I am here.

I am here and I am rejected the opportunity to visit Angelica Lin at Waterloo, simply because it's "too far". Oh no, but lets go visit Gav at Western, drive to Toronto and stay for an hour, then drive two hours back to Western, pick Gav up, then drive another two hours back.

You, you're just a liability. You always have been and always will be. Especially in this family.

You think you meter?

Think again. Not in this family, you don't.

You thin you're so impressive, getting 91s, 92s? Yeah, well Gav gets 97s, 98s. I don't see you inheriting half of grandparents' money. Gav's tuition for his entire schooling is almost all paid for. But why does that come as a surprise to you? Gav has always been favoured, always received more money, more appreciation from the grandparents. But why shouldn't he? He has so much potential in him. What have you got?

Nothing.

You don't have the brains. Not the natural smarts like Gav. You don't have the commitment to the potential, because you've got none. Any kind of compliment you receive comes in the form of pity. That's all you'll ever receive. Pity from every single family member. They can't even tell you what your favourite colour is. And you can't tell them theirs. That's the point. They don't know you, and they don't care about you, because all the matters is Gav.

So yeah, based upon the way I am treated in this family, yeah I am bitter about being here. I wish I were back in Windsor, with my friends. Growing up, all I've ever wanted was to move far away, been told by others that I should appreciate Windsor, it's not that bad. And now that I want to stay, every opportunity I have at any new and exciting adventure in Windsor; taken away from me. Because of this family. Now that I am finally proud to be at UWindsor, now that I have people, friends to anchor me to the city, I can't even spend time with them in the way that I want to.

I don't what to be here.

I don't want to be living at home, but look at my situation there.

Living at home, it's a prison. I can't spend any money, because I have none, because my parents don't give me any. Not like they give Gav. Oh, yes let us buy Gav a jacket that costs 144 dollars, lets buy him 40 dollar shoes every year, but you? You get 20 dollar shoes every two years. And remember that one time you spent 40 dollars on boots you really wanted? Yeah, we're going to look down upon on you for that, because why would you waste your money on such a thing? That money was for your books, and you spent it all on useless stuff. That's why Gav deserves the money. He's got a job, you don't.

It's a volunteer job. He doesn't get paid.

But you know, who cares, he can have anything he wants, because in this family, he is the golden child. He's deserving of everything because he has morals and is responsible. Even though he doesn't greet his parents when he first sees them, even though he doesn't say goodbye to them when he leaves for another month or two. Even though he shows no appreciation for them when he's home, and gives them attitude. Like yeah, I understand I'm not exactly a halo-worthy child, but at least I always say hello when I see them and make an effort to ask how their day was, and at least I'm around. I tell them about my day, tell them how things are. I talk to them. But all that effort, all that's futile, because I will never be Gav. I will never, never be able to be him. I will always live in his shadow, always be overlooked, because what do I matter?

I don't care to be here, to attend a funeral for a person I couldn't care less about. She never cared about me. So why should I care about her? I don't know about the "background" stuff she did for me, so how can I appreciate her? I can't, and I refuse to, because all she has ever done was undermine me, look down upon me, insult me, judge me, mock me. "Can she even understand me?" she asked Chanel in Cantonese.

No one cares about what I do. They only ask to be nice, but they don't care. So I'm sorry if I want to be home to where people actually do care about me. People who are around me because they like me for me, not because they are tied to me through the family. I'm sorry that I would much rather hang out with them than do house chores. I'm sorry they help me de-stress while all my family ever does is make me stressed. I'm sorry I can't be Gav, or Chanel, or Ronald, or even good enough. I'll never be good enough for this family, but at least with my friends, I'll feel somewhat good enough. Even then, not even.

Who have I really got, anyway?

Jack has barely been there, I don't know where he's been. Sam, Addie, Nina? Yeah, as if I've ever talked about deep stuff with any of them. I can't stand Nina's poor English, anyway, and Adelaide's lack of common sense. I haven't got Andre, I barely have Christian. I've got no good and solid nursing friends, Andrew's hard to talk to, I don't talk to Maggie about these things, Paige has been having her own life, and Taylor is incapable of talking about these kinds of things. All my other friends, they're not close enough. I have no one to talk to, no one to really care about me.

Especially not Richard.

Well lets review, I've got no family, barely any friends, and no love life. My school work is suffering because although I've got two assignments due Sunday, another two due Monday, probably 10 chapters to read to catch up on my work, and another round of midterms in a week, I'm here instead. And unlike my family, I actually have to work hard to do well, because I don't have anyone instilling hope in me, no one giving me half their life savings, no one rooting me on and admiring my "potential".

So yeah, yeah I am bitter about being here. Yeah, I am bitter about life. Yeah, I am bitter about the life I've been given, about being shamed for being a bad person, even though no one has believed in me from the start. Yeah, I am bitter about always being second to my brother. But that's just me. I'm just a bitter person. Oh but wait, that only adds on to how I am such an abhorrent person.

Well I'm sorry I can't be better. That's just who I am, and no matter what fa├žade I put on, that will always be the person that is deep down. I'll never be good enough for anyone, least of all my family.

But you know what? Maybe I'm not the one at fault here. Maybe it's not me that's wrong.

And that, I'm not sorry for.
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DianaLu
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