​ [2014.08.17] 9:24AM

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I don’t know why I did it. I thought I could sleep it off, but I didn’t. I am up early and I hate early.
I just hate getting close to people and after night cuddles in the tent, I got scared and tried to push them away. Cause a riff between us. I hate myself for doing it and I hate the fact that there is no just reason, I just hate myself so fricken much.
I just feel like yesterday afternoon was not a good time for me. I went to a bachelorette party but asked my friend to pick me up early because I genuinely felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The fifteen minutes of waiting for him to arrive was fifteen minutes of me trying to calm myself. I dug my nails into my skin and tried not to let it get to me. The nail imprints are still there, I just checked. The entire time, I tried forgetting about the slight panicked feeling I had, but I couldn’t. When I was just with him, I rambled on and on about who knows what, thinking that if I kept talking then it would nullify the feeling, but it didn’t. It just shared a lot of unnecessary information that made me frustrated and confused. The night wore on and it didn’t get better. I wanted to sit down and clear my head. I wanted to sit in the rain and put my head between my knees. I looked at my friends and all I wanted was to be in the back of the car in a group cuddle. There was a feeling inside me that I couldn’t shake and instead of asking for group cuddles I just laughed it off and ran away in the rain. I skipped around and hoped that if I feigned happiness, it would come. I hate myself for doing that because I never open up to people.
I feel like I messed up. I mean, half of them are guys, so they probably don’t care. I am thankful that my other friend was not as mad as me as I thought. I expected her to be highly displeased to the point where she would not drive me home, but I had little faith in her and it was wrong of me. I should have just opened up to her, if not the guys. I should have and I don’t know why I didn’t. She deserves so much more.
There’s just something wrong with me in general because I just feel so sad and it’s been a solid six hours since we all parted ways and all I can think about is the silence in the car that I encouraged and the futile efforts of the driver trying to get us to chat and he looked to me for an explanation but I didn’t give any and I don’t know why I did it I wish I could justify it with the way I felt but I just felt uncomfortable and I hate being texted only when he is inebriated and I hate making ephemeral friendships and I hate so much about me that caused this to happen.