March 1st, 2012: Like a child

Do you know what I noticed? I had a conversation today, with Keith. He told me that he was introverted, and he felt more comfortable by himself. I tried to deny that I was introverted as well, but I did admit that I felt comfortable alone rather than around others. And you know why? I realized that whenever I am around people, I feel the need to please them, to satisfy them and give a good impression on them. It's strange, because I feel this way towards everyone except for my mother and grandma. Even Annie, Diana, Ron, Jen, or my dad... I always fear deep down that I am disappointing them, or they are disapproving of whatever I am doing. I desperately seek for approval and favour, I am afraid of failure and rejection. I spoke with Annie the other day about how Lucia kept on following us during activity day. Annie was like, "we're treating her horribly, I don't understand why she doesn't just not care about us anymore and ditch us. It would save my dignity." But then I told her that maybe, she found her dignity in being accepted by others, rather than not relying on others. While saying that, I actually realized that I feel the same way. I hate it when I am alone in class, or during lunch; I am desperate for attention and love. The thing is, people who love me (mostly my family) I eventually take for granted. But when they show any form of rejection or say anything negative towards me (even if they're joking), I immediately drop my "taking them for granted" feeling and fear that they don't want me anymore. I am very sensitive to what other people say; I enjoy making others like me, but once they do, I tend to forget about them and go to someone else. But once I feel like I am losing them, I try to pull them back. Why do I do this? I don't know.

And the thing is, it is so morally bad. I am horrible, because I take the ones who love me for granted, and I waste all my time on those who don't. A saying in Stronger by Kelly Clarkson was, "doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone." It really stuck out to me... because it shows that people are not alone in this world just because they are by themselves. I need to learn how to respect myself and not care about what people think of me. When I see Jen feel unloved by the family, or when my cousin feels lonely as if she has no friends, I feel terrible. I feel useless... they love me so much... yet why am I never able to repay them the same sentimentality? Why do I try to please others so much, yet I am constantly failing to do so for the closest people around me? I wish I could grow into a stronger person, and let people rely on me for once rather than having to rely on others. Sometimes I wonder how I will survive without my family, because I am so dependent on others. I just want to go back to being the baby Chanel, being hugged by others just because I'm young and cute, making all my aunts smiling because I'm a baby. I want to be picked up by others, embraced by others, the centre of attention. I know it's a very whore-y thing to say... but those are my most inner desires. I feel so dumb for saying it. It's also why I constantly want a boy in my life. It's why I am starting to become a little attracted to Elison, because he actually kind of cares about me... I think? Every lunch, he asks me where I go, and every day afterschool, he asks me if I bus. Sometimes I take his actions for granted, but once he steals another girl's pencil case other than mine, or doesn't ask me anything for the whole day, that fear comes back, and I want him again. I like it when he asks me because I feel wanted... gosh I'm so dumb. I feel like I blog about all this shiz, and write solutions, yet I never actually solve them.