[2013.11.13] Pretentious Doucebag.

I kid you not when I say this: I am most definitely a pretentious douchebag.

pretentious
prɪˈtɛnʃəs/
adjective

1. attempting to impress by affecting greater importance or merit than is actually possessed.

One compliment. One good paper. One pat on the back. And it all gets to me. I act as though I am the best thing that has ever graced the earth, I walk as though each path is paved out for me, I talk as though you have no idea what I'm saying, because I am so much smarter than you, and you know nothing. It all gets to my head. I start acting narcissistic and egotistical, as if I deserve a crown and throne.
Like today. I got a great mark on my paper and wonderful comments on it, too. And what did I do? I started bossing my friends around, telling them to study constantly and not waste my time, telling them I'm leaving their study group because they're too unfocused, threatening to ditch them if they don’t start studying when I returned, demanding them to tell me answers and making them exactly precise, otherwise it's wrong. I treated them poorly, and they didn't deserve that.

douchebag
ˈduːʃbag/
noun

1. an obnoxious or dispicable person.

I brag about my success. I talk about it nonstop and don't even feel empathetic for your failure. It doesn't matter, because I did better than you and that's all I care about. I become selfish, I become rude. My mother peeked in my room, asking why I moved from the living room to my room, and I flat out said, with a sneer, "because you two are annoying" (referring to my mother and father watching their shows in the living room). All she did was ask me a simple question. She was just curious. She had a smile on her face when she asked, a face of innocence and inquiry. And you know what I did? I crushed it. I visibly crushed her happiness. It drained from her face. I could see it from the crease of her eyebrows to the downward cast of her eyes up until the saddened frown spread across once beautiful smile. She stood there for a moment, thinking about what I had just said, as I stared at her with cold, dead eyes. Because that's all I was in that moment. I was dead inside. I did it automatically. That's the worst part. I didn't mean to do it, I just did. All I thought in that moment was, "I need to concentrate because my success in my school work is more important than your laughter and happiness with your husband". It broke my heart to see her so visible hurt by my words as she turned away, dejection radiating from her.

I'm just so fed up with my attitude. It's not even my conscious attitude. It just happens by reflex. These people in my life do not deserve how I treat them, and it's unfair for them to have to deal with me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No amount of sorries could make it all better, I don't know what will. I have such beautiful people in my life, and I don't know why they choose to stick around me, I honestly don't. All I ever do is treat them like nothing. I do not ask for forgiveness, because I simply do not deserve it. I just.

I am so sorry.