Feb. 24, 2014: Needy

It's heartbreaking.. every time I see conflicts among family. I've grown up to be such a family-oriented person, that above all things, family will always be the one thing I'll have. Every weekend I reserve for school and family - friends is only if I have free time beyond that. It's not that I don't enjoy it either; the times spent with my family members are definitely some of my happiest ones.

I miss you, grandma. But I know that had you been here, I would've taken you for granted all the same. Maybe it's for the better that you went to a better place - I'm not sure if you found your last days enjoyable anyway - I'm going to have to be independent someday. It's so terribly lonely sometimes, in this house. I've never been alone... I've always been surrounded by my siblings, and if not them, then my grandmother. She was always there. Not having her here is like walking on a path knowing that you have nothing to look behind at and smile to. Sometimes, I'll break down or feel mellow. A part of me wants to leave this house. A part of me is so disappointed, angry, upset.

Mother, she has a boyfriend. She never told you in your last days, because she figured it'd be unnecessary information. I'm very conflicted at this point, because I wouldn't want her to be lonely... yet, Uncle Simon has a family. For god's sake, of all the people you could have chosen, mother, he has a family. Yes, he may have no romance with his wife anymore... but do you realize the damage and sadness that his daughter would have to go through? i didn't even experience the worst of it. You were essentially divorced by the time I was even slightly conscious of what was happening in my life. Think about Uncle Simon - her wife has breast cancer. I can't even fathom how I would feel had that happened to you. And to realize that my father's having an affair too? I wouldn't know what to do.

I've always looked up to you for your strengths, for the fact that you overcame this divorce and my dad being a horrible husband. You emerged out of your marriage as an independent woman. Now I realize that you were still just as needy romantically. You looked to Uncle right after you divorced dad. You looked to Uncle Simon right after you left Uncle. There has never been time for you to heal your own wounds - why do you have to rely on others?

And the worst part is, it's as if you neglect that you have a daughter sometimes amidst all of your teenage romance. I'm sitting here at home, studying and doing homework, while you're either playing MJ, going to the freaking Chinese downtown community of yours, or spending time with Uncle Simon. He has a family, you know. You do too. Glad you realize that. After all these years of being hurt, I thought you'd know the damages that an affair can do. I thought of you as a victim - and so did Ron - now, you're just ruining another woman's family.

It sucks, you know, not being able to tell this to anybody. I utterly hate being alone. Grandma's not here, Ron doesn't have time to listen to my problems (nor can he since he's downtown), and telling dad would just make him feel worse and not fix things. You're too stubborn to change either. You are literally gone 5-6 days out of the 7. Each time you tell me you have to go out, I rage inside. Not only am I disappointed by the vulnerability that I see in you, the way I see you entirely subdue yourself to every man in your life yet never listen to a word I try to tell you, but I'm jealous. Do you think i don't have feelings either? In the car, you don't go 5 minutes without texting him. When we're eating dinner, you'd talk on the phone with him for half of it. And you NEVER hang up first. You only leave when he hangs up. Thanks, mom.

It's strange, because I really don't feel that happy with my life. Just the mention that you won't be here tonight, you can't pick me up from work because you're going to play freaking MJ, made me tear up. I feel tired every day, caught up in homework. You're never home, and I know it's because you want to escape from your troubles. You hate being alone just as much as I do, so you decide to leave me alone to find your romantic companion. It's funny because you broke up with Uncle saying that he conflicted with your family. Yet now, it's as if you're the one hurting your family. Am i being too greedy in asking for more of your love?

When am I ever going to learn how to be independent? When will I grow up? Perhaps this is why I miss you, grandma... because I don't want to grow up. Although you may seem irritating and old-fashioned to many others in the family, I managed to realize how much you really care about us. What we saw as annoying and insulting, you were just somebody who cared at the end of the day. It's heartbreaking to realize that some of us still don't appreciate you, and possibly never will. I miss the few times we talked for hours, laughing and reminiscing about your stories. Although I'd normally roll my eyes at the story you've told me for the 20th time, there were some times when I'd love to hear them again. I remember the few days I slept over in your hospital room. Each time you vomited, each day more you had less energy, my heart was aching. I only managed to appreciate you when you were almost gone. I love you grandma, I miss you, and I hope you knew that in your last days.

At the end of the day, she's family. Why do we have to bicker about family? Be jealous over family? We're bound by blood and we'll always have each other. That's what I firmly believe. Maybe most people don't value family as much as I do - but I know that family is extremely important to me. They're all I have.