[2012.05.18] Happiness.

Are you drunk? Are you high? Why are you smiling? Why are you giggling? Why do I make you happy? Why are you so excited? What are you laughing at?

You have no idea how many times I've heard these questions. How many times I've been told to stop being happy. Stop being so excited. Stop with my giggling. Stop with my happiness. So many times I've heard this.

Why is everyone so fixated on my happiness? I mean, yes, I am a generally happy person, why question it? Are you envious, do you wish to be as happy as me? Do you want to know my secret?

Well here's my secret.

I've given up.

On everything, really. I've stopped caring. I've stopped fussing over everything. I mean, sure, I get insecure, I cry, I get sad and angry, I make rude comments, and so on. But I am an emotionless pod who is incapable of feeling anything. I don't get hurt. I don't feel real sadness. Only rarely does something tick inside me and make me explode. I don't care what people say about me. I don't care that I'm not good enough. I don't care that I'll never be as smart as Gav or as pretty as Sanja Simic or as charming as Jamie.

You see, I am realistic. Yes, I'm not exactly the prettiest flower in the garden, but at least I know I'm not a weed. When someone asks me if I think I'm pretty, I honestly want to say yes, but I am forced to say no in order to not seem conceited. I know that I am not at the desired 85lbs but at least I'm not 100lbs. I don't have the biggest chest, but what does it matter if I don't? My legs are far from perfect, but I can't change them so why dwell on their imperfection? My lips and teeth are crazy disgusting, but I can't change them so like, what's the use of caring about them?

I just am too tired for everything. Tired of life. Tired of people. I'm too lazy to do anything about everything, so I just let it go. I'm a really carefree and chill person because I just don't care. Like, I've literally given up on life. And that doesn't even mean I'm suicidal that I want to end my life, because by even considering that, that means you care. And I don't care about anything. Therefore I will never wish to end my life or harm myself because that extra effort to care is too much for me.

I makes sense to me. I just feel like I'm outside of my body, out of reach and disconnected to this shell of a person. I don't feel anything inside, it's all just sadness on the outside. Nothing that truly affects me inside, you know? I don't really care when I cry. I kind of just cry to relieve my sadness on the outside. But even while I'm crying, it's like I have multiple personality disorder or something because my thoughts will go from, "I am useless and I hold no relevance to this world, I am insignificant, nothing I ever do will be good enough, I can't even get a guy to commit with me" to "wtf why am I even crying? Why are there tears? Why am I so freaking pathetic? Stop crying, why the jizz are you crying? Are you honestly so freaking weak that you let the smallest thing break you? You can't change any of those so stop freaking crying about it". I literally cringe in disgust with myself for letting myself break down so easily. I become disgusted by my actions and my tears and it makes me feel like I'm being ridiculous and nonsensical so I just stop.

See, when something is bothering me, when I'm feeling insecure, if I really can't stop looking at it, I just choose to not think about it. If something displeases me, I stop letting it displease me and I start thinking about other things. Just like that. I stop thinking about it and I be happy instead.

I've also learned to look at things in a positive way. People are spreading gossip and rumours about me? WOAH, PEOPLE TALK ABOUT? I'M SIGNIFICANT ENOUGH THAT PEOPLE CARE ABOUT MY BUSINESS? WOAHWOAH I'M SO FLATTERED, THANK YOU. Not even being sarcastic. Little children stare and say hi and stuff? Crazy people talk to me on the bus? Someone sits next to me on the bus? Awh, how sweet. It makes me so happy when people take the time out of their day to talk to me. But it's also funny because I always want social interaction but once I get it, I push it away. Haha.

But seriously, people need to stop being so negative. They can take anything and look at it in a negative way. They think everything they do is wrong. Everything I do is wrong, but you don't see me dwelling on that fact. Yeah, I mess up a lot. I choose to laugh it off because really, I can't do anything about it. I'm just that imperfect. I can't change it anyway, I've messed up and I can't take it back.

I'm just all about moving forward. I have complete control over my own life. I control how I react to other peoples' actions. I choose not to let it get to me. I pretend like I'm happy even if I'm not because no one likes seeing a sad person. Even if I can't be happy for myself, I'll be happy for everyone else. I get excited and happy because it makes people excited and happy too. Sadness may be infectious, but so is happiness. When I smile, other people smile too. People like seeing excited people who are ecstatic over something. That's why my presentations are so great, because I'm so excited and happy about what I'm presenting.

It all makes sense to me.

Key to happiness: give up.