[2011.03.23] Myself.

. I feel so... lonely right now. I feel like all my friends abandoned me. I feel alone and no one cares. I feel like I'm a loser and no one likes me. I feel insecure. I feel sad. I feel embarrassed. And shameful. And useless. And like I will never amount to anything in my life. Like I'm going to be a bum for the rest of my life. I will never be good enough. I will never be beautiful enough. I will never be the best. Or better than anyone. I feel like if life was a food chain, I would be at the very bottom. Where no one lurks. Where only little bits of dust particles lay.
. I really need someone to talk to right now. But Chanel went off an hour ago. I don't know why. Jack isn't even on. I feel like those two are the only ones I really pour myself out into. But that's the point of this site, right? When I have no one else, this is my last resort. That was the point of this, right? I mean, I should be able to tell my friends everything. But I feel like the more I reveal, the less I feel about it.
. Ever since I told Paige about Andre, it hasn't been the same. I can't help but notice how much Andre favors Paige over me. I can't help but notice how Paige leads him on. But what can I do? I'm not going to tell her to stop interacting with him. He's her friend too. I just... can't help but feel... not as great next to her. I know she was popular back in Eastwood, but... I don't know. I feel like all my social life has been taken away from me by Paige. Liz, Taylor, Andre, Clarissa... But it's not like she can help it. It's not like I'm going to stop her. So really, what am I suppose to do.
. I keep saying I feel, I feel, I feel. That makes me feel very inconsiderate. Oh look at that I did it again. But really. It makes me think that I don't think enough about others. I don't think about how much people don't care, how they couldn't care less. They don't care about my problems; they have their own. they don't want to listen; it's boring. They don't think anything of it. I mean, why should they? It's not like I've been the nicest person around. But that's what I get right? What you dish out comes right back at you. I guess I deserve it. But when I'm nice, I'm boring. When I'm kidding around, I'm mean. When I don't talk, I'm sad. If I talk a lot, I'm hyper. Really...
. I don't really feel like crying or anything. I just feel... abandoned. I don't know, maybe this is just a bad day for me... But I noticed that when I'm bored, I always resort to pi. I feel lonely, so I'm working on a pi related thing. I think maybe pi is like... my fall back. The one who catches me when I'm close to the bottom. Like it's my cushion I can lean on. Pi fascinates me. It never changes. It stays the same. Pi doesn't have the choice to like what I do to it. It doesn't have an opinion. It feels nothing towards me; not hate, not jealousy, not annoyance. Pi... is just... it makes me feel good. All the numbers comfort me. They make me feel special. They make me feel like I'm unique. Like I'm the only one who knows these numbers. Obviously, it's not true. But around here, it is. Pi makes me feel individual. It's almost as if Pi is the one thing I can dedicate my time to. Pi will never reject me. Will never leave me when I need it most. Make me feel like I'm worthless. Like my friends don't want to hang around me. Pi makes me happy, and nothing can take it away from me. Except myself.