[2011.03.27] I am.

. I am obsessive. Every little detail, every little thing has to be perfect. But I'm not a perfectionist, because everything I do is not perfect. I do not have OCD because not every thing I do is exact and such. No matter how much I obsess over something, I am neither a perfectionist or have OCD. I obsess about little things. Books. Money. Pi. Math. Science. Lucid Dreaming. Psychology. Little things. Meaningless concepts. It's not like I can help it. It keeps me company. Keeps me busy. Helps me get by day by day.

. I am overly jealous. No one can be happy around me without me feeling jealous. But they don't know that. That's only because I don't want them to know. I don't want them to be brought down by me and my selfish little needs. I want them to be happy. I want them to have it, not me. I don't deserve such good things. I get jealous over everything. Good friendships (Andre and Taylor), a special preference to someone other than me (Paige over me), when someone gets the better things (gifts from family, me and Chanel), the ability to do things that I cannot (greatest people in this world), success that I know I cannot achieve, etc. It's dumb. I wish I could get over myself already and deal with what I have, and know that I can have what they have if I tried hard enough. But my jealously gets in the way.

. I am selfish. I want it all. I want the good stuff. I want it to be new, and unused. I don't like Value Village. They sell used things. I don't like hand me downs, borrowing, or being given something that is not new. It's selfish. I don't want to borrow it. I don't want to share it. I want if for myself. I want YOU all to myself. I want it all, and no one can touch it. Even if I don't use it. I don't want you touching it. I want you to admire my new and shiny stuff. Admire it. But you can't have it. I am not a big fan of sharing. It's mine. Share it someone else. If sharing is caring, well. I don't care at all. But I don't let anyone know this. I manipulate them into giving me it for myself so I don't have to share. I persuade people to give me new and shinier things. not the cheap ugly ones. But I try to hide my selfishness. I try to hide the fact that I want everything. I try, because I know that I don't need to be selfish. In the end, it won't matter if it's old or cheap. It doesn't matter.

. I am overly dramatic. I think too much. It makes everything 10 times worse than it already is. In my head, there has been so much drama. But in real life, it is as dramaless as ... as... a box. It's all in my head. But I WANT it to be in real life. I WANT drama. I WANT my life to be interesting, not boring, exciting. I want something to cry about, something to be happy about, something to be mad about. I WANT these things. But I don't tell anyone this. I pretend like everything is okay, like I'm not sad inside, like I'm just some happy little girl. But that's what they want. They don't want drama.

. I am a liar. But no one knows. I lie all the time. The only one who knows it's a lie is me. They don't believe me when I say it's a lie, because they believe in my lie. I make my lie seem like the truth by taking a chance and exposing the truth, but make it seem like a lie. On purpose. I can't tell a lie? Please. You don't even know. Many things I say is a lie. I hide things. I bottle up these emotions I don't want anyone to know. There is not one person out there who completely understands me. Chanel is the closest.

. I am a hypocrite. I am the biggest hypocrite in the world. I always tell people these things I hate and things they shouldn't do. But then I do it. So it's like, oh, okay. Cool. Happens all the time. And I call people out of their hypocrisy, but when they call me out on it, I embrace it. I know I'm a hypocrite. I try very very hard not to be one. but it's only natural. It's something that happens unconsciously.

. And lastly, I don't care. Either this world cares too much, or I don't care at all. Because honestly, I'm not interested in your problems. I've got my own. But I pretend to care. I pretend to be concerned. Because I know how it feels to vent out your feelings. If there's a rumour about me out there, that's cool. Continue with your business. I'm totally fine with it. If there's a person saying mean things to me, I go along with them. Again, that's cool. Do I care? No.