[2011.11.06] Confessions

1. I am a wannabe. I want to be everything. I want to do everything. I want to be the best at everything, but in all honesty, I'm not. I am also a try hard. For example, I would want to play a certain song on the piano. But whereas any other person would play the song with passion in their playing, my version would elude the feeling and emotion that is necessary.

2. I talk too much. I am a terrible summarizer because I feel like everything is important and nothing should be cut out. I talk a lot because I don't know what to cut out, what is considered 'too much information', what is inappropriate, and so on.

3. i am insanely obsessed with pi. i like how pi is ever changing, it holds so many patterns and the fact that it goes on forever and ever fascinates me. I like how pi can be applied to everyday things, one just has to look for such opportunities.

3. I over think everything. I'm one of those people who will have so many problems with people because of silly little fantasies I have created in my head. I over think situations, I read into things too much, I misunderstand little things.

4. I hate falling asleep because I can never do so easily. I enjoy sleeping and dreaming, but falling asleep is terrible.

5. I am not scared of the dark; I'm scared of what's behind it. I'm not scared of falling; I'm scared of hitting the ground. I'm not scared to live; I'm scared to die. My greatest fear is and will always be dying.

6. I don't notice my height. I don't notice that I have to look up when I talk to my friends, I don't notice how they are much larger, i don't notice how different my height is. I only notice when certain pictures make me look minuscule. And that is only in certain pictures, not all.

7. Lately, I have been attracted to the outcasts. The people everyone shuns. The person who feels like no one understands him. The loner. The gay. The emo. The quiet. The loser. The awkward. Not the nerdy derps. But the people who are misunderstood. Again, not the hurpaderps.

8. I like what everyone dislikes. I dislike what everyone likes. This applies to people, things, places, etc. I generally join mainstream things later on when the big hoopla dies down.

9. I am very open to learning new things. I enjoy learning, I feel like large amounts of informations are wondrous, possibly because I enjoy the idea of 'all-knowing'.

10. I try to sounds smart to make up for the fact that I actually am not.

11. I like the idea of knowing everything about a person. To have the ability to crush them or to make them the happiest person in the world. I like the idea of being able to answer for them because I know it all. I know everything about them. I like the idea of that.

12. I just want to have a best friend who will always be there for me.

13. I am willing to try anything. I am willing to fall hopelessly in love, just to experience the heartbreak that falls afterwards. I'm willing to aim high, knowing I will be rejected just to experience the rejection. I welcome all these terrible experiences in hopes that they will build some sort of character in me.

14. I am very self aware. I am aware of my actions, and I am aware that I am a spoiled brat who takes people for granted, I am aware that I am a deceptive little girl, I understand that I will probably never be as great as I wish to. But the point is, I am aware of it.

15. My greatest life goal is to become someone great. Someone who the whole world will remember, like Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson or Barack Obama.

16. I am generally very calm. I do have anger issues though, but I try to keep it under control, and I believe it is working.

17. I really enjoy social interaction. Maybe because I don't get enough of it. But I enjoy interaction with the public. I like doing random acts of kindness. I like the possibility that I may have enlightened someone's day.

18. I am completely comfortable in complete silence. I will mostly be engulfed in my own endless train of thoughts, so being quiet does not bother me.

19. I really enjoy hugs.

20. I am tired of everything. Humanity, society, people, pressure, stress, caring, stupidity. Everything.

21. I just want someone to care about me. I want them to think I am the most precious thing in the world, even if I'm not. I want someone to make me feel like I'm on top of the world.

22. I don't want to be so lonely.

23. I believe there is life after death.

24. I would LOVE to become a vampire. It is my one great fictional desire. Vampires > Wizards > demi - gods > Werewolves > Faeries.

25. I am an open book. I am not ashamed, I am not afraid. If you ask specific questions, I will answer.

26. I am not too fond of children. Especially the children these days, mostly because they are so terrible. they back talk, they misbehave, they do drugs, smoke, swear, act up. They are horrible. The only way I am every having children is if they are twins. Though I cannot control those kinds of things.