[2012.02.29] Maybe it's Me?

why is it that I keep on saying that I'm lonely? I mean, I said it myself, I have many friends. It's my fault I choose not to settle down with one and make one my best friend. I mean, really. But at the same time, if I did, I still feel like this person would not satisfy the role as my best friend. I imagine a best friend a person you spend almost every second with, because you enjoy their company. I feel like if I were to befriend any of my close friends, they would not be there for me.

And see, that's the thing. I only FEEL like they won't. But how do I know? Maybe I have to fall in order to learn to fly. Maybe I need to make that horrifying first leap before I can enjoy myself. Maybe I need to devote my time and energy into making an effort to try with someone. Perhaps it's not that no one will step forward to fulfil the role, but rather it is I who is too timid to move.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen? I mean, I'm obviously not going to talk to anyone back at RSS when I go off to university (due to the fact that I'm going to U of Guelph and no one I know is going). But I mean, is a year and a half of happiness worth a lifetime of yearning? I mean, this person will most definitely be unforgettable. This person would be immortalized in my head. They will change me. They will be a part of my life.

Do I really want to put myself through the pain of leaving them in the future?

Maybe, if my desperation got bad enough,