April 23rd, 2012: Me, myself, and I

I'm going to write in diary format because I feel like it's more comfortable.
Dear diary,
Sometimes I feel like I am a coward. Such a coward. I say a ****load of things, then easily brush them away, then make excuses/point out my flaws and pretend as if I've redeemed myself. Yet I've never managed to redeem myself. I'm not going to say exactly what's on my mind because I really don't want to admit myself to it, but it really makes me feel like crap. I just wish I could rewind back to like, grade 3. I say that because I bullied in grade 1 and maybe 2, was a douche in grades 4 and 5, and was very depressed in grade 6. In grade 7 and 8, bleh. I dunno. I want to be a child again, when I never defied any rules/traditions of always sleeping at 10, eating dinner at the dining table. I remember when I thought Ron was a terrible child for never eating dinner with us. Now, I have become that terrible child.

Another thing, I'm a terrible person. I think I'm quite selfish. I haven't eaten dinner at the dining table with grandma for almost 2 weeks. What is wrong with me I don't even know. And sometimes I'm not even busy. I've been eating dinner at like 10 or 11 everytime my mom isn't home. I'm inconsiderate of others and I always expect people to bend their own life for me. I've been used to that and I never like it when I have to bend my life for others. I don't know if I"m overreacting or if all of this is true, but if it is then that kind of sucks.

I think a way to fix all of this is to put more effort to make others happy. People always say that those who smile the most are the saddest people. I actually admire those people, who are strong enough to dedicate themselves to those they care about. They show that love is strong, and even if your life is sucking, you really don't need to put it on other people. I think that when I'm sad, I should never overreact or anything. Just suck it up, act like it's no big deal just like Ron does. Except show more enthusiasm I guess, kinda like Jen. I realize that I cry alot/always tell people I'm sad. My goals include eating with grandma at the dinner table more and praising her food without lying, talking to her about things. Not making her feel lonely, because honestly I'm one of the few people that she has in her life right now. Everybody else is - I'm sorry to say it - "too busy for her". And that's the last thing I want her to feel, because as my mother always tells me, that's the worst feeling when you become a senior.

So I think another way is to take more time to fix already ongoing problems in my life. If other people are sad, I want to try my best to make them feel happy. If people need me, I will be there for them. I don't think I've ever been that friend who is always there. I aspire to be one, and I know I'm able to reach it.
I just want to be a happy person, to make other people happy. To be satisfied with my own qualities and make a difference in other people's lives. I know I can do it.

Wish me the best of luck diary!

Love,
Chanel