[2012.04.25] Please hold while I be self deprecating.

Sigh.

I'm just so.

Ugh.

I'm so ungrateful. I'm so silly. I get excited too easily, sad too easily, angry too easily. Too emotional. But being emotional is good. At least I'm not a hollow pod with no emotions. Well hey, that actually sounds pretty appealing.

I'm just so irrational. I never seem to be able to point out good things. Just bad. So critical. So judgmental. But at least I'm not as judgmental as other, right? I mean, I'm not THAT bad...

I can't help but point out physical flaws in myself. I can't help but stare at the black heads on my nose, the little dark hairs that grow on my upper lip, the pimples on my forehead, the littlwe imperfections on my face. It's funny because Jamie kisses my nose and my forehead and my cheeks and stuff and it's like, those are the most insecure bits of me.

I hate my legs. I'm usually content with them. Why hate what you can't change? But you know what, I'm on a rant here. My legs... I wish they were long and tall and skinny like Celeste's or Sanja's. I wish they were STRAIGHT. I wish I didn't have to roll up the bottom of my jeans. I wish they didn't look so freaking ugly when I wear skinny jeans. I wish my thighs didn't touch like before. I wish my arms were skinnier, there wasn't a little fat on my belly that now sits on the top of my jeans. I wish my chin didn;t look like it has a twin. I wish my hands didn't have the little hairs on the back of my hand and on the fingers. I wish there wasn't a black spot on my lips. I wish my eyelashes were curled, at least a little bit. I wish my middle finger on my right hand didn't look deformed (no thanks to writing/holding a pencil).

I wish I could be one of those girls who look perfect or cute, no matter how gross they try to seem. They look so perfect in all their pictures, even the silly ones. I look horrendous in those kinds of pictures. I wish I was photogenic. Pictures do not do my justice.

I wish I was more giving. Nicer. More appreciative of my family. I wish people knew how much they mean to me, even just talking to me makes me so happy sometimes. I wish I showed people that I care so much. I wish people saw the value they have to me. I wish I was more social. I wish I could say the right words to make everything better.

I wish I was one of those people you could lean on and tell anything to. I wish I could be a loyal friend. I wish I was a GOOD friend. I wish I was more trustworthy. I wish I could keep secrets. I wish I had a large group of best friends who could all talk to each other with anything.

I wish I had an admirable personality. The bubbly kind, but underneath the airy personality is a determined, smart girl. I wish I exceeded expectations, I wish I had a thing that I excelled at. I wish I stood out. I wish teachers would notice me. I wish I was the kind of person where people look at me and say, "she has a bright future ahead of her".

Oh I wish, how I wish so badly.

But hey, I can't change most of these things, so I'll just be happy with what I've got.