[2012.04.14] Insecurity.

I'm so angry. I am so sad. I just want to cry. I am so frustrated, I just want to punch a cow. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry like there's no tomorrow. I want to run away and hide, I want to sit alone in the dark outside. I want to just cry out all my freaking non-existent problems and pretend like I don't exist.

Sigh.

But why? NO FREAKING REASON AT ALL. That's why I'm frustrated. Why am I so sad? Did I just experience a freaking traumatic experience? No. I did not. Why am I so angry? did someone aggravate me? Not. At. All.

That's what's making me frustrated. NOTHING. IS. FREAKING. WRONG.

So why so I feel so terrible?

I'm so freaking dumb. I'm so angry.

But I'm also feeling insecure. So here's what's wrong with me:

First off, physically, I'm so freaking gross. I mean sure, being small is cute, sure it's "petite" and stuff, but seriously. My freaking legs are so short, it's not proportional. My freaking calves are not even straight, my freaking thighs are so freaking huge, my freaking. Oh my gawd. Don't even get me started on my freaking face.

My teeth, so freaking unattractive. The right side of my freaking mouth is gross. There's the tooth and the freaking mark on my freaking lip. Wtf? Who would want that? Freaking no one, that's who. And my freaking eyes. Ugh. Sure, I don't have typical Asian eyes. But my eyelashes are so ugh. I mean, yeah, Asians all have this trait, but seriously, my eyelashes are straight. Not curled. They're not long and luscious and thick like other peoples'. My eyes aren't even a nice shade of brown. I mean sure, in certain lighting. But they're not even symmetrical. My eyes, I mean. I have freaking pimples on my forehead and the freaking notfrecklesbutnotreallymoles. Freaking jeezus. And the freaking blackheads on my nose. My freaking. Just. Freaking everything.

And my freaking personality isn't that great either. Oh wait, I don't freaking have a freaking personality. I'm like freaking bipolar, except not because my case isn't freaking severe. I'm too freaking annoying, too freaking clingy, too rude, too impatient, too careless, too freaking. Freaking everything. I don't know how to freaking socialize properly, I don't know how to do things. I don't know anything. Freaking. Jeez.

Like, maybe if I was freaking smart, like, scholar smart, or freaking not so freaking confused and clueless all the freaking time, then you know what, at least my smarts can get people. But. I. Am. Freaking. Dumb. I don't know things. I mean, sure, I get good grades. But they're nothing significant. They're average. And I would like to think I'm "street smart", but I'm freaking not. I don't freaking think outside of the box, I don't freaking look at things in a different, more unique perspective.

I am nothing special.

I am freaking. So. Useless. Wtf am I going to freaking do with my life. I'm not freaking good enough to be a vet. Not freaking good enough to do anything in the medical field, really.

Not to mention I am so terribly forgetful. And awkward. And clumsy. And freaking. I can never do anything perfectly. Maybe it's because I'm so freaking imperfect myself.

And I'm so unhygienic. Which is so gross. I shower every other day, I only brush my teeth once a day (except I'm trying to change that now). I mean sure, it's not that bad. Some make up stylists don't shower their hair for three days. So you know what, not so bad.

I'm so frustrated. I hate thinking. I hate it. I hate the self deprecating thoughts, I freaking hate the freaking worthless feelings, I hate the hope, I just hate freaking everything.

I hate feeling this way. Because I know it's not really me talking. It's the freaking demon inside me.

Ugh.

Freaking jeez.

Screw everything.

I want him to come hold me, to comfort me, yet I don't want to freaking be near him at all.

Freaking Freak.